So once again I just finished reading a chapter from Kisses from Katie....I feel completely inadequate and overwhelmed. I mean here is this girl who has adopted 15 plus kids, 10 dogs, 2 goats, and a monkey, she cares for the people of Masese and of her own village, runs a sponsorship program, helps women make jewelry to get their families out of poverty, cuts jiggers out of feet, helps children that have scabies...takes the sick into her home and nurtures them back to health and on and on and on and on and on.....It makes me feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself....It is like taking a loooonngg look in the mirror and for the first time realizing that I am absolutely dreadful and so beyond sinful....sinful to infinity and beyond...I mean most days I yell at Ace (the big dog) a million times a day to "HUSH" when he is barking...especially during Emmett or Emory's naptime, at least once a day (although becoming less and less) I find something to be resentful at my husband about, I get impatient with one or both of my children, I get overwhelmed with all the house work I need to do, plus putting the house up on the market and trying to keep it looking halfway decent in case someone wants to see it. This list could go on and on.....I have been praying for months now for God to truly give me a new nature...one that looks and acts more like Him. I pray for a mouth that only speaks wholesomely and edifyingly. I pray for hands that serve joyfully and feet that move swiftly to help someone in need. I have been praying for a nature that is gentle and meek. For a heart that is slow to speak and slooooooooow to anger. But over and over and over and over again....I fail and then I fail again and then I fail some more. Completely useless and clumsy. I fail and then later on I realize how badly I failed and the thick wave of guilt crashes over me and settles in.....there I go again. I guess I just feel like I try and try and keep on failing....Oh God how I need you!!! Lord I just want to please you> I just want to serve you, I just want to make the most and serve the best out of this life that you have soooo overwhelmingly blessed me with. I will NEVER be able to repay you for your goodness. I will NEVER be able to repay you for your endless mercy and your endless grace. I want to be completely dependent on you every second...please show me how this is done. Please help my eyes to not be distracted by worthless things like the desire to have a beautiful trendy home or beautiful trendy clothes. Please help me to desire what pleases you more than the approval of men...I keep wondering...am I doing enough? I know it is not about works but I just want you to use all of me for all of you! More than anything in my life I want to make you famous!! I want to make your name known. I want to lead others to you but I feel like I don't do it enough! I lay at your feet begging you to make me a servant that is useful and pleasing to you. Please show me how to let go....to let you take control...and TRULY be wholly yours....